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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.