These Advice from A Father Which Saved Me when I became a Brand-New Dad

"I think I was merely just surviving for the first year."

Former Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

But the truth soon proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… each outing. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that helped him see he needed help.

The direct words "You are not in a good spot. You must get support. In what way can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the challenges dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a broader failure to communicate among men, who continue to hold onto damaging perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a show of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental health is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to ask for a pause - spending a few days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he had to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of caring for a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the language of emotional life and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says repressing feelings caused him to make "poor actions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in alcohol and substances as a way out from the pain.

"You turn to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - when you are swamped, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. It could be playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, staying active and when you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mind is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their stories, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help is not failure - prioritising your own well-being is the best way you can support your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the death, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their struggles, changed how they talk, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I think my purpose is to guide and direct you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."